Fear of success

The fear of success has a name: procrastination. We are conditioned to think that success brings us power. We're not comfortable with power. We all know stories of people who become intoxicated with power, bringing pain and suffering to those around them and ultimately destroying themselves. It is this theme that runs through the stories of Macbeth, Oedipus or Frankenstein in which power destroys those that have it.

What power does success have that is so fearsome? I think it is that successes stand on their own: when we succeed we are the vanguard. We've gone where we haven't before. We know more about where we are than anyone else. We are the expert. There is nobody else to ask what to do next. That shakes our confidence. What if we are wrong? Do the same rules apply here as do in that comfortable place we came from? Maybe we have gone beyond the limits without knowing that we have. Everything will change.

Few people are fearless. Few people have endless confidence. They usually die early. Those feelings of fear have a purpose and that is to keep us alive and functioning. In that principle is our key. The fears are there to maximize our chance of evolutionary success. What is evolutionary success? Adequate food, water, air and making babies. That is a very limited field in which the fears have a positive functional purpose. Everything else is adoptive behavior. Those fear patterns are easily applied to social interactions, career choices, creative work, etc. However, that is not what they were made for, we might be using a hammer to drive a screw or open a jar: it can work, but its not well suited to the task.

Recognizing that fear is a eight pound sledge hammer is the first step. Succumbing to your fears may work, but it is not necessarily the best way.

Our life is not a changeless stasis, like a rock. Our life is homeostasis, a balancing act between a changing environment and basic needs. We stop changing when we are dead. Life is change, change is life. Life is not about a steady progress toward a goal, it is extracting the greatest joy from what we do today while being moved by age, circumstance and opportunity to our future self. We can look back as our lifeboat is swept down stream in horror and dismay, or we can turn forward to enjoy the ride down the river, bringing new sights and experiences.

"I've become so used to who i  am i don't know if i could be someone else, even if that was the person i really wanted to be. " [sic]

If we are lucky, we're comfortable, or nearly so, with our present selves. Becoming somebody new can be frightening. We have to leave that comfortable, if confining, world. Perhaps our skeleton grew faster than our muscles and we're a bit clumsy, can't quite dance right or haven't developed a graceful carriage yet (if ever). Perhaps we're a bit overweight because food is just too seductively rewarding. Perhaps we have desires to develop in ways that we don't have natural talents. If we have a desire to be a graceful dancer, walk with a confident air, adopt a slimmer healthy body form, or act, sing, make music, write stories or challenge our mind; that involves change and change means risk. Learning to sing means making a sound: it may not be a good sound. Diet and exercise are work, we may despair and give up. We might not even look better when skinnier: it's a risk.

Maybe our friends will be jealous or intimidated by our new beautiful, skinny, graceful and talented self. Our success might be seen as their put-down. Maybe we'll lose all those friends. Or, all those changes just won't mean a thing. Maybe nobody cares.

Give up now, avoid the last minute rush.

OR

If smothering your future with your comfortable pillow isn't what you want, take a risk. Instead of risk avoidance try risk management. Learn to gauge the dangerous changes and take measures to reduce the dangers of failure. Be incremental, sneak up on the big change.

The cure for stifling fear is not bravery, it's courage. A brave man does a dangerous thing without thinking of the risks, a courageous woman knows the risks and does it anyway for greater reward.

Every one of us has a dark, slimy place deep down and well hidden in our souls that is so very familiar. This is the place where we are worthless, ugly, failures, talentless and unnoticed. We go there all the time. We're afraid others might get a peek at this place and find who we really are. BUT, it's not who we are and we want more.Choose to be the idle sleepwalker or crazy dreamer? Those are the only choices in life. Joy comes from acting, doing, trying, loving, singing, dancing, in short risking. Fear is from hiding, avoiding, limiting, in short, leting all the good things pass by.

BAD CHOICES

What is the worst that can happen? What if what you really want is bad? Maybe you want to live as a surf bum. Maybe you want to hook up with your boy/girlfriend/multiple friends. Maybe you want to abuse drugs. Maybe you want to pierce or tattoo the places that your momma is never going to see.

I'll tell you it won't be much fun after a while, you will lose good friends and people will make you suffer for it.

My advice is try not to make your choices the really bad ones: they're "bad" because enough people have tried them and gotten hurt. Try not to follow stupid examples. Stupid hurts.

GOOD CHOICES

You've got a plan. You're going to be everything that's good and admirable and desirable. Secret #1: you won't have it all; Secret #2, what you sacrifice will be worth it; Secret #3, there is no rule or plan that will get you to ecstatic joy; Secret #4, no plan survives the first struggle; Secret #5, obedience to a plan or set of rules will fail; Secret #6, understanding the principles of what gives you joy will make joy possible.

A few suggested principles:
A. Be kind to those you meet
B. Love them all
C. Be who you want to be
D. Be honest with yourself and others
E. Be nice
F. Find God
G. Be God
H. Never fear failure
I. Learn why you failed, don't do that again
J. Be curious
K. Seek intelligence
L. Ask why, a hundred time a day if you need to.
M. Ignore others' standards
N. Have and keep your own standards
O. People matter
P. Money and things don't matter
Q. No fear can survive your strength
R. Be happy
S. Tell yourself "I'm beautiful" every day
T. Life is a song: dance and sing
U. There is no purpose to life other than your lasting joy, find it
V. Happy people make us happy: make them happy.

What Price Moral Agency?

We pride ourselves in our moral integrity. We are proud that we don't cheat, lie or defraud. We tell ourselves we would sooner suffer physical harm than deny the truth that are dear to us.  We carry on about our liberty. In the US we are conditioned to know we have rights. Most of can list them and a few actually get the list right.

How much would you sell your vote for? How much money would it take for you to pose as another person to take a test in their name? How much would you demand to bear false testimony? Don't get distracted by the criminal punishments. You can buy your way out of jail.

The number would be very large for most of us. We like to think no amount would be sufficient. But think. If a nefarious briber offered you a billion dollars, would you? After all with that much wealth, you don't have to care what others think. How about a million. That's about a lifetime's income for each of us. You needn't care what others think of you with that much in the bank.

"But wait!" you say. "It's not all about money". Perhaps not. So what happens if we add respect and power to your bribe? What if no ill comes to you as a result of your dishonorable act? Would you change you mind?

Is it moral integrity if it has a price? Does moral integrity have a value?

In my faith, the creation story tells us that before the creation of the Earth, even into a begining-less existence before mortality we had two traits: capacity and agency; we could become something greater and we could choose what we become. It was us the first that caused us to come to Earth and the second that made it meaningful. We believe that God cannot take these from us and remain godly, neither can we take from each other without coming under condemnation. Our purpose is to live a life choosing the better, greater things of our own choice. We believe that the greatest tragedies for a life is to cease growing and to give up our power to choose to someone else. We believe we shouldn't give up our agency for any price.

On that foundation, let's look at a scenario. An eighteen year old from a family of very modest means has a desire to improve herself, to further her education with a college program leading to a degree. This person looks around to choose a college which will provide this to them. The cost does matter, the family doesn't have much means to finance it. So colleges with a low tuition offset by scholarships and grants are preferred. In searching they conclude that a college subsidized by their faith is the best value for the small amount of money. She applies and is accepted. With one catch. For the time spent at that college, she must give up the right to choose how to dress, how to groom  herself and how to worship.

Should she go to this college, sign the pledge that she will accept other people's choices in these areas? Is her opportunity to go to college worth that much? At what price does she sell (or lease if you must) her moral agency?