Up and down

Another disappointing attempt. How will I ever learn this stuff if all I focus on is where I've come from? I have big dreams. The world is such a small place with everyone grabbing.

The Sun will raise tomorrow, I'll get up up and I pray I'll keep moving.

Looking into the pit

I have stage fright. I didn't think I still did. I thought I had left it behind with the girls I never asked out, the journeys not taken and the paths never chosen. Nope.

Some of you know I've been taking weekly music lessons, the over-the-top gift from mdw, who undoubtedly was as frustrated with my directionless hours with guitar as I was. So now, I've got direction but at a cost. My teacher (above) tells me the next step is public performance. Really public. Not invite the family and close friends but a real public venue. Scary. Stand-up with a band and play scary.


I am a mixed up bag of talents: comfortable in harmony or music theory, no songs memorized, quick to learn progressions, still struggling with finger position: I can reach four frets at the low end of the neck (I need five) but with fingers too fat at the bridge end. Kind of like skating in gravel.

I'm not feeling ready but I want to do it. Really, I've had enough practice playing the fool, looking silly should be no challenge. My goal is to do it about a month from now. Maybe something bluesy.

Trouble in Mind

D7 D7 D7 A7 D7 A7 Trouble in mind, Lord I'm blue D7 G7 But I won't be blue al-ways D7 B7 E7 A7 D7 The sun is gonna shine in my door, shine in my back door someday    D7 lick (G G# A7) I'm gonna lay, lay my head On that lonesome railroad line And let the 2:19 train ease my troubled mind Trouble in mind, well Lord I'm blue now I won't be blue al-ways The sun is gonna shine in my door, shine in my back door someday    instrumental break I'm going down, goin' down to the river I'm going to bring some wine that I can share And if these blues don't leave me, Lord, I'll have to ride away from here Trouble in mind, trouble in mind I'm blue now But I won't be blue always And that sun's gonna shine in my, lord, shine in my back door someday I'm all alone - I'm alone at midnight And the lamp is burning low I've never had so much trouble, in my whole life ever before Trouble in mind, Lord I'm blue now But I won't be blue always And that wind's gonna come - it's gonna blow my blues away...

Chords: D7 G7 B7 E7 A7 G#7 D lick (G)(G#)A7 e |-5--3--7--7--5---4------------------------ B |-7--3--7--9--5---4------------------------ G |-5--4--8--7--6---5----7---7---7----------- D |-7--3--7--9--5---4---7-7-6-6-5-5-4-------- A |-5--5--9--7--7---6------------------------ E |----3--7-----5---4-----------------3-4-5--

[to be continued]

Fear of success

The fear of success has a name: procrastination. We are conditioned to think that success brings us power. We're not comfortable with power. We all know stories of people who become intoxicated with power, bringing pain and suffering to those around them and ultimately destroying themselves. It is this theme that runs through the stories of Macbeth, Oedipus or Frankenstein in which power destroys those that have it.

What power does success have that is so fearsome? I think it is that successes stand on their own: when we succeed we are the vanguard. We've gone where we haven't before. We know more about where we are than anyone else. We are the expert. There is nobody else to ask what to do next. That shakes our confidence. What if we are wrong? Do the same rules apply here as do in that comfortable place we came from? Maybe we have gone beyond the limits without knowing that we have. Everything will change.

Few people are fearless. Few people have endless confidence. They usually die early. Those feelings of fear have a purpose and that is to keep us alive and functioning. In that principle is our key. The fears are there to maximize our chance of evolutionary success. What is evolutionary success? Adequate food, water, air and making babies. That is a very limited field in which the fears have a positive functional purpose. Everything else is adoptive behavior. Those fear patterns are easily applied to social interactions, career choices, creative work, etc. However, that is not what they were made for, we might be using a hammer to drive a screw or open a jar: it can work, but its not well suited to the task.

Recognizing that fear is a eight pound sledge hammer is the first step. Succumbing to your fears may work, but it is not necessarily the best way.

Our life is not a changeless stasis, like a rock. Our life is homeostasis, a balancing act between a changing environment and basic needs. We stop changing when we are dead. Life is change, change is life. Life is not about a steady progress toward a goal, it is extracting the greatest joy from what we do today while being moved by age, circumstance and opportunity to our future self. We can look back as our lifeboat is swept down stream in horror and dismay, or we can turn forward to enjoy the ride down the river, bringing new sights and experiences.

"I've become so used to who i  am i don't know if i could be someone else, even if that was the person i really wanted to be. " [sic]

If we are lucky, we're comfortable, or nearly so, with our present selves. Becoming somebody new can be frightening. We have to leave that comfortable, if confining, world. Perhaps our skeleton grew faster than our muscles and we're a bit clumsy, can't quite dance right or haven't developed a graceful carriage yet (if ever). Perhaps we're a bit overweight because food is just too seductively rewarding. Perhaps we have desires to develop in ways that we don't have natural talents. If we have a desire to be a graceful dancer, walk with a confident air, adopt a slimmer healthy body form, or act, sing, make music, write stories or challenge our mind; that involves change and change means risk. Learning to sing means making a sound: it may not be a good sound. Diet and exercise are work, we may despair and give up. We might not even look better when skinnier: it's a risk.

Maybe our friends will be jealous or intimidated by our new beautiful, skinny, graceful and talented self. Our success might be seen as their put-down. Maybe we'll lose all those friends. Or, all those changes just won't mean a thing. Maybe nobody cares.

Give up now, avoid the last minute rush.

OR

If smothering your future with your comfortable pillow isn't what you want, take a risk. Instead of risk avoidance try risk management. Learn to gauge the dangerous changes and take measures to reduce the dangers of failure. Be incremental, sneak up on the big change.

The cure for stifling fear is not bravery, it's courage. A brave man does a dangerous thing without thinking of the risks, a courageous woman knows the risks and does it anyway for greater reward.

Every one of us has a dark, slimy place deep down and well hidden in our souls that is so very familiar. This is the place where we are worthless, ugly, failures, talentless and unnoticed. We go there all the time. We're afraid others might get a peek at this place and find who we really are. BUT, it's not who we are and we want more.Choose to be the idle sleepwalker or crazy dreamer? Those are the only choices in life. Joy comes from acting, doing, trying, loving, singing, dancing, in short risking. Fear is from hiding, avoiding, limiting, in short, leting all the good things pass by.

BAD CHOICES

What is the worst that can happen? What if what you really want is bad? Maybe you want to live as a surf bum. Maybe you want to hook up with your boy/girlfriend/multiple friends. Maybe you want to abuse drugs. Maybe you want to pierce or tattoo the places that your momma is never going to see.

I'll tell you it won't be much fun after a while, you will lose good friends and people will make you suffer for it.

My advice is try not to make your choices the really bad ones: they're "bad" because enough people have tried them and gotten hurt. Try not to follow stupid examples. Stupid hurts.

GOOD CHOICES

You've got a plan. You're going to be everything that's good and admirable and desirable. Secret #1: you won't have it all; Secret #2, what you sacrifice will be worth it; Secret #3, there is no rule or plan that will get you to ecstatic joy; Secret #4, no plan survives the first struggle; Secret #5, obedience to a plan or set of rules will fail; Secret #6, understanding the principles of what gives you joy will make joy possible.

A few suggested principles:
A. Be kind to those you meet
B. Love them all
C. Be who you want to be
D. Be honest with yourself and others
E. Be nice
F. Find God
G. Be God
H. Never fear failure
I. Learn why you failed, don't do that again
J. Be curious
K. Seek intelligence
L. Ask why, a hundred time a day if you need to.
M. Ignore others' standards
N. Have and keep your own standards
O. People matter
P. Money and things don't matter
Q. No fear can survive your strength
R. Be happy
S. Tell yourself "I'm beautiful" every day
T. Life is a song: dance and sing
U. There is no purpose to life other than your lasting joy, find it
V. Happy people make us happy: make them happy.

The Terror Game

The greatest terror is that the future will be like the past. In this there is a fundamental error. You see, neither the past nor the future exist as real objects. Only the present exists in reality. If we are happy now, the image in our mind we call "past" only can make us unhappy, it can't make us happier. We are as happy with where we are as we ever will get from the experience.
This is our mind playing a game with itself. When we use the past to play this game we call it guilt. When we use the future to play the game we call it anxiety.
The healthy path is to stop playing these games and be happy now.

Fear

I fear not what man can do; for perfect love casteth out all fear. And I am filled with charity, which is everlasting love;